Cue the AC/DC

Brandon is back.  He has begun on what should of happened four years ago.  Stay tuned.

Let the hypocrisy commence

We, as in society, forbid two consenting adults of the same sex to married, but we allow this:

http://www.radaronline.com/sites/radaronline.com/files/Courtney%20Alexis%20Stoddard%20Marriage%20License%20Radaronline.pdf

I mean really, America?

The biker phenomena

It’s a condition that is plaguing middle America.  It specifically attacks middle-aged, suburban men.  However, it has been known to infect bored housewives as well.  This outbreak prompts its victims to waste away their child’s tuition fund in-exchange for leather chaps, American flag bandanas, and a thirty-thousand dollar Hog.

This epidemic I am referring to is the Great Midwestern Biker Plague of the 21^st century.

What exactly caused this emergence of seemingly quaint suburbanites who surprisingly embraced a rugged, nomadic subculture on the weekends?  Perhaps it was a cathartic release from the banality of their square lives.  One can only take so many trips to the Home Depot in order to maintain their 15 or 30 note on the weekends.  I guess it’s inevitable that we eventually rebel after years of simplistic monotony.  What else is there do when there is an empty nest?  Crank up the Bachman Turner Overdrive and involuntarily catch bugs in their mouths?  Sounds like fun (sarcasm for all you literal readers).  But what compelled middle-aged couples to be receptive to such a fad given its history?  Don’t they realize this whole bad ass, biker trend originated back in the post-World War II days where veterans longed for a sense of adventure and freedom over the very lifestyle the couples of this current generation have been the past quarter of the century?  I guess I need to remind them about the Hell’s Angels: the infamous biker gang where its members resembled a ZZ Top tribute band and committed heinous acts.

I think the whole suburbia-on-bikes movement heralds the freedom-appreciation ethos the biker culture evokes.  I can see why it certainly resonates with a bored father.  It compels him to forget about winterizing the lawn and instead cruise down the main drag to compensate for the years of their gradually declining masculinity.  The identity crisis stems from their realization that they were practically dorks the past couple decades and want to recapture their glory days by acquiring another monthly payment.

Watch out, kids.  Your newly divorced dad is trading in his Dockers khakis and Ralph Lauren polo for a leather vest and skull caps.  Authentic trends of yesteryear seem to reappear incredibly diluted.  First bikers then punk rock.  Originality ceases to exist.

An Online Dating Survival Guide (A manifesto of sorts)

You bite into an Altoid, inhale its potent minty zest, Febreze your entire car's interior, and empty the sample bottle of the latest Dolce and Gabana cologne you snatched at Macy's. You then take deep breathes as you're driving down the main drag listening to some pump-up music (ranging from Usher to anything from Metallica's thrashing era). By now you arrived at either Starbuck's or Chili's, put your Kia Rio in park, run your fingers through your pomade-saturated hair, exit the car, take one last deep breathe, and pray that your date isn't fat.

I'm pretty confident this is a routine most men-either in their twenties or thirties-experience the first time they met the woman they have been exchanging e-mails with in-person. I'm also certain a female undergoes a similar ordeal, except just substitute the "please don't be fat" with "please have all your teeth". According to highly skewed statistics, every one out of eight relationships begins online. Why are single (or bored married men on the verge of divorce) people becoming more and more receptive to meeting some stranger off the internet? Is it due to our frenetic, overworked lives leaving us little time to procure a personal life? The expected by-product of the current digital age? The conundrum on why more people resort in finding a companion on an online dating site has yet to be determined.

In its conception, the online dating scene was a meeting place for basement-dwelling losers or single mothers with multiple kids from three or more fathers. But lately online dating is becoming gradually more accepted with the mainstream (normal) demographic; thus more pretty and professional people. I guess the current generation is realizing their narcissism is preventing them to score dates in real life--or entering that time in life where the bar scene is becoming redundant. However, the golden rule applies to the online world as it does to the real world: If she's out of your league, don't waste your time.

So in essence, it's either this or the bar. On second thought, there is no distinction between the two venues. In fact, online dating is merely a virtual bar: guys will utilize any form of rhetoric to get into a girl's pants while the female on the other hand just stands there and looks pretty; in this case, just displaying a profile waiting to be messaged. (Or sometimes the lucky hook-up by a friend or co-worker via networking. Ah networking. That single word has been already cemented in our zeitgeist, economically speaking.)

I am writing from my isolated corn-fed perspective where the Midwest is chiefly parceled land for breeding families. The overwhelming majority of inhabitants here in Fartland stick with their high school/college sweetheart, leaving us single folk in the dust. But then again, divorce is gradually increasing each year. I suppose they hook-up with their ex-girlfriend/boyfriend from high school or college?

Now before I go on, this testament is written from my skewed male perspective—considering that I lack a vagina and am not gay. I've been off and on the online dating market for years now and the results have been surprisingly consistent. One can certainly generalize what a female desires and seeks online. It's no revelation by any means. In fact it just validates old-fashion values, longstanding conventions, and societal norms. In other words, chivalry is very much prevalent—and it looks like it is here to stay. (So much for progress, am I right feminists?)

Online dating is primarily geared towards young adults in their post-college lives or recent divorcees. This is simply social networking where the selection of a potential girlfriend or boyfriend is virtually based on superficial merits as opposed to intellect and overall moral character. Online dating is nonetheless window shopping. It is imperative to have multiple aesthetically-pleasing portraits of yourself. Otherwise brace yourself for cyber disappointment.

So what kinds of females are usually found on these dating websites? Well to be blunt, it's mostly moms or fat chicks. There really isn't a gray area. I mean on occasions you do come across a seemingly "normal" chick without any dependents or baggage. But it is imperative that you promptly message her, otherwise a horde of desperate perverts will infest her inbox with images that would make Anthony Weiner or Brett Farve grimace; leaving you a very small timeframe to work your magic since she will be deleting her profile in a matter of days. And this will be one of my focal points: How to obtain that elusive, seemingly-normal chick without dependents that you can actually bring home for dinner.

Chicks that resort to online dating usually come from similar circumstances of not being with their high school/college sweetheart any longer, work in a female-dominated field such as teaching or nursing, or recently gotten separated. Their profile usually consists of displaying their alma mater proudly, posting dull key phrases such as: "having fun" or "anything outdoors", and display the quintessential self-portrait taken in a public restroom (I guess they looked hot that night?) or upload a couple pics from their Facebook "Night at McFadden's" photo album. The majority of the written section is brief and incredibly vague. Even one with average intellect will be not able to determine what kind of person these chicks are in real-life; it's truly that ambiguous. I guess we guys should infer this is as an indication to spark conversation. But seriously, how generic and uninspiring can you get, ladies? If this were a job interview, their application would have already met the shredder. However this is not the case as vanity reigns supreme. If a woman uploads a pic taken from an enhancing angle or reveals a bit of cleavage, she will inevitably receive an onslaught of e-mails no matter how much substance she lacks. Yet after an unsuccessful date as mascara is running down her face, she wonders why the guy's teeth were decaying and being so adamant to feel her up. Weren't there any warning signs?

I tend to inquire what kind of competition I am facing in the online world of dating. I ask the ladies about their previous dating experiences and nine times out of ten they mention how perverted the guy acted. It is as if we males know no boundaries. We literally think with our genitals and embark on a quest to find an orifice. It appears that we are too impatient or merely utilizing the online dating outlet to commit adultery with a spouse. Whatever the case may be, that is actually not the question. The question is: Why do women always end up with these kinds of douche bags? My hypotheses are because of their sheer insecurity, being incredibly shallow, or the ostensible financial stability the guy evokes. It's that old school, Darwinian mind frame where women want the men to provide (something). An overwhelming majority haven't honored equal gender roles despite it being 2011 and shit. Evidently we still have a ways to go. The smooth player will make use of all his GQ or Maxim knowledge by writing what ladies like to hear about the most: themselves. (Although this is tactic that can be utilized with more sincere intentions, we'll just put it this in a negative context to illustrate a point.) They then persuade their objective into meeting them for an elegant dinner at a place that is a notch above Applebee's. If he manages to get her to dinner, he'll exhibit an exuberant amount of confidence. And finally if all goes well, they'll end up at his residence (or "roommate's" basement) where he purges his sexual frustration; resulting in never hearing from the lady again.

This common scenario raises another issue: female ambiguity. With people being so insecure and phony nowadays, the contemporary female refuses to be labeled a bitch. Therefore they manage to keep things open-ended, avoid confrontations at any expense, and will never give you a straight answer. The reasoning behind is yet to be determined. My guess is the increased number of broken homes? (Ouch.) I can see from a guy's perspective—to an extent. Sometimes we are like "fuck it" and make the first move. I'm not justifying the male's touchy-feely behavior at all, but the lady needs to lay down the law and tell it like it is in order to avoid the primal male's intentions. It also reveals her lack of judgment on his character. He looked nice, but did you take the time to realize in his About Me section there were lower cased I's and phonetically spelled words?

This in effect diminishes a genuine good guy's chances of scoring dates with a decent woman. After that terrible encounter with the arrogant douche, the chick will raise her expectations even higher; resulting in being labeled as an online dating regular. A regular is defined as someone who spends countless months or even years with unrealistic expectations in efforts to find that perfect companion. This subsequently gives any generally decent dude a nil chance if she discovers a flaw or two about him.

Natural law states that the hotter she is, the less substance she will lack. I'm being both facetious and honest at the same time. Do yourself a favor and quantify this statement by evaluating the profile of a hot chick to that of a "lesser" chick. The results will irrevocably support my claim.

Before pursuing a heavenly female creature that rivals the beauty and brains of a famous celebrity, one must evaluate themselves first. Otherwise prepare to be disappointed. Consider this law: The hotter she is, the more she expects of her date. The "more" meaning (in this particular order too): attractiveness (Are you in-shape or currently working out?); fashion sense (Do you dress like grandpa or frequently visit Express for Men?); your teeth (Do you bleach them?); your shoes (Yes, somehow shoes are a significant in my experience.); your current job (Wait, scratch that. Switch this with the following criteria.); how much money do you make; previous baggage; and finally, overall confidence. The less attractive a candidate may be then this list of criteria won't be as applicable.

I know what you're thinking: "Gee Brandon, why do you pursue these stuck-up bitches? Just go for the decent ones." That's the whole problem. Recently there has been an epidemic of entitlement due to either: inept parenting, the cultural zeitgeist, or Kim Kardashian. But I'll place my bets on celebrity idolatry as the culprit. Ladies, I implore you to stop emulating these uber rich celebrities and get back down to earth. Twenty something women who are remotely attractive or decent enough to bring home to dinner demand to be put on a very high pedestal. This plague must be stopped and we, as a society, must advocate the need for modesty and character to curb the growing group of materialistic bitches!

(I should have written a disclaimer that I am not a misogynist. Because I'm probably sounding like one to the feminist reading this now; or that living with four girls is influencing my stance.)

I think us "normal" guys have to lower our standards to a degree in order to get a decent date (or stop being horny--hey, trying to be objective here!). I adamantly believe that you need a foundation of friendship before progressing into a romantic relationship. People nowadays can't grasp that considering we're currently living in the age of instant gratification. In other words: RELATIONSHIPS TAKE TIME. These days all my friends are busy playing house or actually married. It would be nice to hang out with a girl on the weekends; getting to know them without any ulterior motive or agenda. All the females I come across won't accept that (well, the ones at least around my age). In my humble opinion, I think with that kind of female mentality where she only wants the LTR, it inevitably welcomes the players. Because if honesty isn't the best policy, we guys have to resort to lying in order to reach our objective: getting chicks. Thus the vicious cycle perpetuates. I mean I could date a cougar, but talk about an awkward dinner with the family! In other words, the older the chick, the more likely she has her head on her shoulders. Maybe I shouldn't pursue a much older chick, but rather a little older, say 30-35. But they probably have kids (everything has its price). See how fucking picky I am?

I don't know about you, the reader, but does the whole prospect of meeting a complete stranger in-person leave you a little leery? For starters, you truly do not know who has been on the other end of the computer the entire duration you've been exchanging e-mails or phone conversations. I mean, they could sound hot on the phone, but then again, refer to Aerosmith's music video of "Sweet Emotion". For us dudes, there is always a slight potential of having a catastrophic social nightmare. The lady could be 300 pounds, hair pulled back so far that it looks painful, and wearing a solid color sweater with a large cat decal embroidered on the front with a denim skirt that goes past her cankles. I suppose the only outlet is the old Marcia Brady's "something suddenly came up" which usually compromises of a relative in the hospital or a friend insistently calling your cell to help him bail on some made-up dilemma.

As for females, it unfortunately could impose some dire consequences. I mean what if the woman is tapped on the shoulder, hears "boo", turns around in responses, and now whose face is smothered in a cloth soaked with chloroform? That is why it is imperative for a female to carry some sort of self-defense for use on those aspiring Ted Bundy types.

So how can you prevent or at least mitigate these potential meetings of disaster? For starters, always meet in a public place. No if's or buts about it. That way you're in front a number of potential witnesses if the guy commits some kind of lewd act on your person. That or someone will hear you scream "rape!" But please, only use this option as a last resort. You don't want to embarrass yourself or your date if he's just reaching for the check.

Another remedy to prevent this nightmarish scenario is to require a webcam/Skype session before meeting in-person. No, this is definitely not an opportunity to act like Anthony Weiner and ask her what turns her on. You'll automatically destroy all chances in meeting this woman. The webcam session is to aid both parties in determining whether they're truthful in their pictures and seeing if one still wants to meet in-person to avoid all that anxiety before the date. Remember: Keep it PG-rated and do not get horny. Consider the scenario as a job interview; keep it professional.

Alright, to all you dudes who are still reading, here are some tips on how to build a successful online dating profile:

• Refrain from posting a shirtless pic or picture of your supped-up Dodge Neon. This is the biggest complaint I hear from all varieties of females.
  
• Just smile with your white teeth in your picture and display a sense of fashion awareness. Women don't want to date dorks, remember that. Put on a military shirt, some faded jeans, and smile.
  
• Upload multiple pics. This is a must. We are in a superficial age. Image is everything. Show a little variety of yourself (not certain sections, mind you). Show a (clothed) full-body picture, one picture taken outside, etc. The more pics you show, the more the female will be genuinely interested. Granted, she may like your sole profile pic, but if you remotely look any different from it at the initial meeting, her grandma is suddenly at the hospital. You better be photogenic or you're fucked (no pun intended unfortunately).
  
• Display some sense of grammatical proficiency. In other words, show that you know how to spell and construct a complete sentence. Everybody and their brother are in college these days; even high school dropouts! Act like you have some smarts. Not necessarily a Nobel laureate, but a brain.
  
• State your goals in life and show that you have a stable job. I know, I know. This recession kind of prevents that. Then at least state your goals and lie about your job. Or you can at least fib and say you're working on your Master's.
  
• Never mention that you have live in your mom's basement! It doesn't matter what the excuse is or how many financial hardships you've faced. LIE!
  
• State that you're Christian in the religious affiliation section. I don't care if you're atheist or agnostic, society hasn't accepted religious freedom yet (that's for another post). Well, if you're from the coast, then it's probably more receptive. However if you're in the Buttcrack of America (i.e. Midwest) you'll be labeled as an outcast.
  

Now onwards to evaluate a female's profile to determine if she is the right one for you:

• Study their profile pictures. Brandon's golden rule: If she only shows pictures from the shoulders above or takes them from obscure angles (or aerial views), then she's fat. (Now I'm NOT knocking on the BBW's. Everybody needs some lovin'. If that's your forte, more power to you. But if that's not your type, I'm just giving you a heads-up.)
  
• Determine whether she is looking for a substitute father for her kids. She'll indicate whether kids come first, which by no argument is a great thing and incredibly virtuous. But, if she slants it to some degree by saying along the lines, "my kids and I are a packaged deal, I would like my man to be there for them" then she's looking for a baby daddy.
  
• If she has professionally photographed pics (whether modeling/cheerleading/stripper), don't even bother.
  
• If she displays a lot of revealing/cleavage-bearing pictures, then she's probably been around. Take precaution.
  
• If she has an overwhelming list of expectations, don't waste your time. She's conceited and doesn't know it. So she'll learn the hard way.
  

Now this is my top ten list on what I've learned about single women online:

1. Chivalry/old-fashion courtship is still prevalent. (Men in 2011 still have to do the initiation/work; which baffles me considering gender equality. Not copping out, just sayin'!)
   
2. Women have the delusion that Mr. Perfect has a profile posted on this site; resulting in membership that last for years. (Majority have a firm belief that someone actually satisfies all their unrealistic expectations. This ultimately results in a perpetual mission which keeps them permanently single. Just give us guys a chance. Your knight in shining armor is pure fantasy.)
   
3. You must upload several pictures on your profile. (Otherwise the female you are communicating with will develop this ideal mental projection in their mind. When you finally meet them in-person and possess one imperfection and/or flaw, they dwell on the negative and ultimately reject you.)
   
4. The younger, the more superficial; the older, the more fun. (Nuff said.)
   
5. The younger the age, the more they value looks. The older the profile, the more likely they actually read your profile.
   
6. If they don't reciprocate, move on. This saying can certainly apply to all sorts of other situations as well. Don't waste another typed word on the person who didn't reply to your initial e-mail. Calling them a cunt or bitch will only make you look like an insecure prick.
   
7. Women want smart men, but no one smarter than them. (They get intimidated and you'll scare them off. Don't use a thesaurus to impress.)
   
8. Listen (or at least pretend to) to them and stay on their topic. (If you only talk about yourself, you'll be deemed as arrogant.)
   
9. They will never give you a straight answer. If they're not interested, they will not respond to your e-mail (obviously). If they are truly interested, they actually e-mail you! (But revert to no. 6 beforehand.) So don't beat a dead horse and take a hint.
   
10. Deep down, all women want a long-term relationship! (Doesn't matter what they say; from "just friends" to intimate encounter, they all-deep down-want a potential serious relationship of seeing you in their future.)